As I write my heart feels full of hope and yet breaking a little at the same time. I can hardly believe our daughter is approaching her 1st birthday. IVF brought us a precious new life. A new little one who has completely captured our heart. We’re embracing each stage of our evolving journey, taking it one day at a time. As excited as I am for all to come in her sweet life, my heart feels an ache… a deep ache that’s been ever so present … my mom is dying.
It’s an interesting place to find yourself in the middle of caring for a young infant, and caring for your ailing mom. If you know me and my family well, you’ll know my mom has been sick for quite a while. It’s been a constant on my mind wondering if she would make it to the day I would get to tell her we were pregnant. Wondering if she would make it to her only daughter’s baby shower. Would she be there to hold her only granddaughter for the first time or share in her first Christmas? The list goes on, but I count my blessings and can’t say enough how special this first year has been. My heart still has a bit of an ache as I can’t help but worry and think…will she make it to her first birthday?
I think what gives me so much comfort is we’ve been able to say the things we want to say… to express how much we truly love one another. She reminds me, “The love will always be there. It never goes away.” Tears are welling in my eyes as I write this, but she is so right. Love lasts forever. There’s immense comfort in the joy I get seeing my mom in my daughter. Her eyes twinkling…her sweet, endearing smile. Olivia has so much of her Grammy in her.
My mom is one of the most joyous people you will ever meet. She has been the best example of what a mom is, what a loving, devoted spouse is, and what a true friend is. Despite battling her chronic respiratory condition that spans at least 10 years, and more significantly in the last 3 years, she has been a person who does not complain. She accepts “what is” and lives her life each day with a grace I can’t help but have deep admiration for.
This personal entry is one I wanted to share. By sharing our heartbreaks and struggles we help give permission for others to do the same. I believe in using our life to the fullest – if that’s living a life of authenticity and vulnerability, one where we share our joys AND our sorrows…not sugar coating and talking surface level talk, but living with our WHOLE selves, then that is the life I want to be a part of.
As I embark on my new calling to be a voice for others with infertility, I get a rush of excitement following this new passion. Yes, life is challenging me in many ways – chasing around a 10 month old while doing my best to be there for my mom and give support to my dad, while pursuing my dreams as an IVF mentor, writer, and creator of the life I desire. This highly reflective time is one where motherhood is at the forefront. I’m a new mom seeing my own mom nearing the end.
When people ask what they can do for me at this time- I ask for love, light and prayers for our family. Prayers for my mom to pass at the right Divine time, without pain, with all the love of those she has loved and who have loved her. My tears are frequent these days. I know for sure I wouldn’t be nearly as strong if I didn’t have the kind of mom who raised me.
Now go call your mom – Whether here or in heaven. I know I’ll still be calling her, talking to her and feeling her loving touch as my husband and I raise our daughter to know the woman I call Mom and the one she calls “Grammy.”